I want to share a memory with you.
Actually is was an awakening point for myself.
I remember the day quite clearly, it was a sunny warm October afternoon.
I had just recently separated from my ex and had moved into a rental house with my kiddos.
My daughters were sharing a room & needed shelving for their closet.
A friend offered to help me install the shelving, if I went and bought it.
I got the kids up and ready for school...normal morning for the most part, besides adjusting to our new house.
After dropping them off and saying my goodbyes, I headed off to the home improvement store. The drive wasn't long, probably about 20 minutes depending on traffic.
I remember merging onto the expressway, pushing the accelerator, increasing my speed.
I got about 3 miles down the expressway and my foot started to shake, my chest felt heavy and tears started to flow. I began sobbing, my whole body shaking.
The radio was playing, but I didn't hear the song anymore. I kept telling myself, that I could do this.
I could make it to the store. I needed to do this, for my kids and myself.
I kept driving, no matter how much my mind was telling me to just turn around and go home.
I pulled into the parking lot at the store. I remember a slight bit of relief come over me, I had made it.
Looking in my rear view mirror, wiping my eyes and checking my makeup...I couldn't go in the store looking like I just balled my eyes out.
I got out of the car, walking into the store with my list in hand. Got myself a shopping cart and headed to the shelving aisle.
The tears and shaking had stopped...now I was on a mission...quickening my steps as I walked down the aisle, I gripped the handle on the cart, I felt my body tense up.
Getting to the shelving aisle, I had my list ready and knew exactly what I needed.
I quickly grabbed the white wire shelving I needed, the hardware to go along with and was preparing to speed right for the checkout.
And then I stopped...stopped myself right there.
It was that moment that it hit me...it hit me why I had sobbed in the car and why I was rushing around the store.
My life up until this moment had been controlled.
I had been told when I could go places, what I needed to get, how much I was allowed to spend and how long I was to be gone.
Phone calls and texts would typically begin as I was shopping, wondering how much longer I was going to be, where I was at, and what I had spent.
Errand running and shopping were always a thing of dread for me.
I would always try my best to get to my destination quickly, get exactly what I needed to get & head directly home.
My moments of solace found only driving in my car to and from home with radio playing.
All the anxiety, the fear of how I had lived my life up until this point had come pouring out.
Emotional abuse can impact you so much more then you truly believe. The scars you have are buried deep, hidden from the world.
It was my own form of PTSD.
After my eyes opened to why I was actually feeling so anxious...I actually forced...yes,it may sound odd, but I forced myself to continue looking around the store, to slow down.
It may sound like a simple task for most. For me, doing that for the first time was not as easy as you may think.
I didn't spend much more then about 30 minutes this first time...looking around.
I even decided to buy a shelf for my own room as well.
I knew now that it was okay to be me, I was in control of myself, my life...and I was definitely allowed to slow down and enjoy it.
It was me living my own life for the very first time.
