No, unfortunately the love of my life did not magically appear on Valentines Day...Cupid completely passed by my house.
So why then, do you ask that I chose today to start a post on the topic of love & relationships?
I see others struggling, hurting and frustrated...and yes I have experienced those same things myself.
So why the hell not...I am game to write about my experiences, maybe offer some insight, give my opinion on the subject.
Just keep in mind, I am by no means a professional "love" or "relationship" expert, a counselor or guru of any sort.
So continue on at your own risk...I'm kidding!!
This is just me...sharing with you what I see, feel and have experienced.
So where should I start....
Okay...I've decided to start of with a little bit of myself.
Not to long ago, I was a girl who believed she was in love...I'm sure at one time it was love.
Coming out of a 17 year marriage was a scary thing all in itself.
Let's start a little at the beginning...
I had fallen hard & fast...it was a whirlwind. I was young, had a chance meeting with a young man (introduced through a friend) & it felt like love at first sight.
It was the exact same for him...he said all the right things that made me feel confident in our new "love".
From the day we met, we spent everyday together.
Getting engaged after only being in a relationship for 2 months...yes 2 months.
We didn't take the time or effort to date, we were already busy planning our life together.
We worked hard to build a family (3 kids), a home and establish all the "things" you would in a marriage. So many of our friends & family believed we were the "perfect" couple...I was even told that we were the "glue" that kept our friends together.
What we failed to share with all of them what was actually going on, the things that were lacking in our relationship..maybe at the time we didn't even really know.
He was the love of my life, he provided for us, made sure the bills were paid, we had a beautiful home, cars to drive, food on the table...all the material things that made our life complete.
Coming out of a failed marriage as a child myself, my parents divorced when I was 13years old. I had vowed to myself, that once I got married that divorce was not an option.
Without going into detail or laying blame on one party or another...that could be an entire book all on it's own.
The break down had begun many years prior...I think we both knew, but neither wanted to admit it. We were comfortable in the life we had worked for. It was routine, it was normal, it was our life.
And easily you can continue a life of routine...it becomes habit.
Please don't get me wrong, every relationship, every marriage has its "goods & bads"..that is part of a healthy relationship...it's not always meant to be easy.
It wasn't until it started affecting the kids, that it truly hit me.
The kids themselves were seeing past the "mirage" we had created.
They were seeing the pain that was being felt..and now it was hurting them as well.
That right there, is like having your life going at full speed instantly slam into a brick wall.
For me, we had provided all the comforts for them in life...built our own little compound.
What we had failed to show them was love...the real love that comes from a marriage.
The decision was made, after seeking some counseling. That divorce was eminent.
So many emotions flood you, overwhelm you & it hurts...there is no denying that it hurts.
The one thing for me, that hurt the most...was the question...was it ever "Real Love"?
Had I just spent 17 years not knowing what real love was? How am I to ever know what real love is?
So I started researching..yes I am that kind of person. I asked questions, I looked for answers and still am continuing with that self learning.
And one day, when talking with my oldest about dating & relationships...I admitted to her that I was scared.
She said "mom what are you scared of?"
I said to her "I am scared that I don't know what real love is, that I will not find real love."
And her response to me...totally blew me away!
"Mom don't be scared, when its real love...he will love you like you love us."
My 16 year old had completely nailed it right on the head!
That love is given without hesitation, there are no strings attached, it is not about the gifts or material things...it will just be there.
Do I believe in love..Yes!
Am I still scared a little of love...Yup, sure am!
Will I continue, learning, stumbling, falling, getting back up & searching...You can bet your sweet cheeks I will!
So join me on my journey...Why The Hell Not!!
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